Monika Kozlowska is a local Life, Business and Leadership Coach who as well as offering one-to-one life and corporate coaching, often gives inspirational talks here in Tunbridge Wells. Her most recent one was on ‘mum guilt’, so we asked her to elaborate on what this means in an exclusive comment piece for SO Magazine…
If you’re a mum, you probably know what ‘mum guilt’ feels like. It’s this horrible feeling wrapped up in shame and inner judgement that makes us feel like we’re not good enough mothers at all. A lot of us have this feeling at least once a week, with some admitting to feeling mum guilt twice a day.
But have you ever wondered where this feeling of guilt even comes from? We judge ourselves this way because we believe we’re not doing or being enough. But who decides what ‘good enough’ here is? Not necessarily us.
Most people have an inner checklist of ‘what a good mum is and how she behaves’ even before they have their own kids. It’s because every society, every culture has its idea of a ‘perfect mother’ – unwritten expectations and rules to follow to fit into this picture.
That’s why the teenage me ‘knew’ a good mum breastfeeds her child, prioritises her children and limits screen time… The tricky part is that the perfect mother myth as a social construct is based on unrealistic expectations. It’s actually impossible to achieve. Just look at some of the below:
The ‘perfect’ mother…
- Gives everything to her children
- Bakes cakes and cooks every meal her children eat from scratch
- Has an immaculate house
- Earns her own money because she isn’t ‘dependent’ on her husband (but she doesn’t work too much – because her kids always come first)
- Limits screentime and uses her imagination to entertain her kids
- Has a wonderful marriage, works out, stays healthy and prioritises herself through regular self-care
- Never yells, is never resentful, never finds her kids irritating and annoying *
* Examples taken from the sociologist Dr Sophie Brock
We internalise this image, because we’re surrounded by it everywhere – media, culture and the society we’re part of. And when we don’t fit in, we feel guilty; like we’re not enough. So what can we do to manage this?
Question the values
Because we’ve been fed the perfect mother myth for so long, it’s easy for us to feel guilty about things that don’t align with what’s important to us. So next time you catch yourself feeling guilty, ask yourself ‘whose values are we talking about here? Mine or somebody else’s?’ I spent months hating myself for not being able to breastfeed my son exclusively.
If you’d asked me, I would’ve told you I believe that ‘fed is best’. And it was only when I realised that I was trying to fit into the (unrealistic) ‘perfect mother’, that I allowed myself to not feel guilty about it. If you are also feeling this kind of pressure then try doing the following:
Give yourself permission to be human
Now that you’re aware of the fact we’re all part of a bigger construct that happens to be pretty unrealistic, you can take your power back by giving yourself permission to be human. Come up with your own set of rules that seem more human and are important to YOU. If it feels right to you, allow yourself to say you love parenting, but at times you find it irritating, too – and that’s good enough for you.
Reframe what you feel guilty about
Ask yourself how it’s actually serving your child. For example: feeling guilty about taking time away from your children? It can be a great opportunity for them to practise learning and innovation while you fill your own cup and return to them feeling happier. Remember a happier mum is often a more patient, more fun mum with lots more energy – which also benefits your child!
So let’s stop trying to fit into unrealistic expectations and start giving ourselves permission to parent in the way that feels right to us. Because one thing we can probably all agree on – trying to fit into an unachievable perfect picture makes us stressed and overwhelmed. And our kids would probably prefer a mum at peace with herself.
www.monikakozlowska.com/about-monika-life-coach-tunbridge-wells
